


NEGATIVE

by BrokePerception



Series: POSITIVE/NEGATIVE [2]
Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-31
Updated: 2012-05-31
Packaged: 2017-11-06 10:39:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/417923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokePerception/pseuds/BrokePerception
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>#2 POSITIVE/NEGATIVE It had been hard saying goodbye to Speed and many things changed... DuCaine /Sequel to: POSITIVE/</p>
            </blockquote>





	NEGATIVE

**WARNING:** Self-injury

* * *

"This sure feels different from those hours of love and tenderness eight months ago..."

And they both remembered like it had only been yesterday.

/\/\/\/

Lieutenant Caine hadn't moved even though Calleigh had assured him she could definitely handle it; that she really wanted this. She had begun to unbutton his clothes and had kissed his lips with the passion she had especially kept for him. She had never kissed a man like that before.

Maybe there had been no reason to, because none of them had ever really loved her. They had only wanted to possess her and had only seen the possibility of a good time.

Horatio didn't. The reason why the lieutenant hadn't kissed her back had been a sudden thought of Calleigh's hard times. He knew it had been rough for her to keep holding on many times.

As Calleigh had unbuttoned his shirt, she had begun to giggle. She had noticed the mess in the kitchen: the dishes and the leftovers of the Chinese. "We still have to do the dishes."

So, Horatio had pulled her to her feet again and they had finished doing the dishes together. As Calleigh had put the glasses back in the cupboard, Horatio's arms had snaked around her middle. Calleigh had turned around in the embrace and their lips had found each other's, again.

/\/\/\/

Calleigh's parents were quite rich, but she hadn't had a nice childhood. Her dad had already been an alcoholic before she was even born and her mom had been more like a friend than an authority. Calleigh was the only daughter of four children. Mrs. Duquesne had thought she could shield her only daughter from Duke's mess by being easy on her.

Kenwall Duquesne's alcoholism was hard for her to deal with. She naturally cared for her father, but she really hated to see how Duke believed in the miracles of alcohol and thought it helped and solved every issue.

Kerner had also targeted the female CSI after he had murdered Janet Medrano. Calleigh had been very upset about the murder of the prosecutor, but hadn't let anyone notice. It had always been her second nature to make everyone believe that everything was okay, even if it wasn't at all.

After confronting him in a store, Calleigh had put Kerner back where he belonged: behind the big, iron gate of a small, solid holding cell.

Only a year after Kerner, Speed had been killed and Detective John Hagen had committed suicide in her lab.

Only when Tim had died, she had allowed Horatio to soothe her. She had really needed him to. If Horatio hadn't been there or it had been someone else, she would have cried alone and maybe drowned in the hole Speed's death had caused. They had asked him so many times to clear his gun...

Delko had had innumerable one-night-stands in the year after Speed's death and had never been the same. H. Caine had been feeling guilty since and had never forgiven the man who called himself 'Lieutenant'. 'I should have been more on Speed's case,' Horatio always thought.

Calleigh felt even more responsible than Horatio did. She ran Ballistics and knew, more than anyone else could even imagine, how desperately fatal a gunshot could be. For only that time, she hadn't been able to keep everything inside. She couldn't, and it wouldn't have made any difference to try. It had been too intense and unexpected. She had sometimes wondered what would happen if Speed's weapon misfired in the field, but had actually never really thought about the consequences.

Although Hagen had acted with her like a cat with a mouse and nearly broken her with his games Calleigh felt impossibly guilty about his death. She always thought that if she hadn't broken up with him he still would be alive.

Detective Hagen's life had already been messed up before Calleigh had even met him, but if Alexx or Eric wanted to talk about him, or even mentioned his name, the woman refused to listen; refused to hear more and took refuge in her lab or just subtly changed the subject.

After John's suicide, Calleigh had needed some time to heal. There had been too many painful, sad things altogether. When she returned to MDPD and got back to Horatio and the team and her beloved lab, it had started all over…

Detective Peter Elliott, who had never told her that he was already engaged to another woman, Monica West, had wriggled a way in her life and had lied to her about everything.

There had been Horatio's short lived marriage to Marisol, Eric's sister. Marisol had been recovering of cancer and had had hope for a normal, full life, but had been killed by Mala Noches, only a week after they got married. Horatio had already prepared on losing Mrs. Delko-Caine the moment she had been shot and had also realized that hope was quite senseless, when Marisol had asked for him and Lieutenant Caine had seen her dull, exhausted eyes, ready to close and to never see again. Horatio had been there and had taken her smaller hand into his. Marisol hadn't even had the force to squeeze back anymore. Her grip had weakened and Horatio had noted without looking that she had been gone.

Calleigh's vehicle had been crashed into and forced into a canal in the Everglades. And if she hadn't been a CSI, a damn good one, she had likely died in the water she had landed into.

Eric had ended up with a bullet lodged in his brain and for her... it really felt like it all happened for a second time, because old memories of Speed had filled her mind. Calleigh had lived together with Miami's CSIs for more than ten years and it had soon become a family she could never imagine losing.

Jake Berkeley, one of her old loves, had popped up and more than once Jake had actually raped her. There had been nobody to cry out for, though. If Timothy Speedle had been there, he would have noticed it in her pure green eyes and would have been there for her, even if she wouldn't have told him what it was actually about. Speed wasn't there anymore, though... And Calleigh got the odd feeling like she couldn't tell Alexx, Eric or Horatio either.

If there hadn't been a Raymond Caine, Yelina and Horatio would have ended up with each other. Yelina had always been there... And then Marisol came into his life and had opened him in a very unexpected way, a way Horatio wasn't prepared for.

Since the moment she had told him about the cancer to save Eric's job, Horatio had felt bad for her. Marisol had been a beautiful, kind woman and in Horatio's opinion, hadn't deserved to have to get through something like that. She had immediately gotten a corner into Horatio's head, but had also found the way to his heart.

Horatio had sometimes thought about someone to share his life with, but he had never thought he would find someone who would really love him, together with the odd hours as a lieutenant and the scars and the secrets of his past. Then, she came along and eventually brought more about than Horatio had wanted to admit. He had never thought that loving someone, like he had loved Marisol, could make you feel so different. When he actually did and it appeared to be mutual, Horatio had wanted to give her more, everything, although the lieutenant had fully realized he couldn't.

Then he lost them both and it didn't matter anymore.

Discovering Horatio had a son, had been terribly hard for Calleigh, but she had hidden the truth very well.

She had also been nearly killed on her day off. She had been in a bar and had drunk two Mimosas. Jake, however, had also drunk, or paid drinks for friends like he had preferred, in the same bar and because he had paid with Calleigh's credit card, it had seemed like she had drunk six of them instead of two, which had put her in serious trouble.

Two villains had tried to run her over. She had fought back, but had to call for back-up afterwards. Because an officer had been involved, it had to be investigated by IAB too and Stetler had tried nearly everything to get her out of the lab. By claiming she had been drunk at the moment of the crime. Which could have been easily proved by the six Mimosas. Calleigh had to lie to Stetler about Jake, because, otherwise they would have been forced to break up if they would want to keep their respective jobs. And as a thank-you, Jake had lied to her about the friends he actually hadn't met.

Jake had been the one who had taken CSI Duquesne's virginity at twenty-two. Calleigh believed that being 'raped' by a guy who had had consensual sex with her in her college days, couldn't be anything so serious. It could have been so much worse.

/\/\/\/

Calleigh had taken him in a very deep kiss. As Horatio stood between her legs, she had wrapped them around him. Horatio had scooped her up carefully and had wiggled his eyebrows as he had headed for her bedroom. Horatio had laid her carefully on the bed where they both had been sleeping the night before. Sleeping. Because nothing had happened. They had only spent the night together in one bed, like two adults. Yet, the fact they both were adults, could have been the trouble. Calleigh had only needed the safety of his arms and Horatio would never take advantage of her during hard times. Besides, Horatio had realized that love-making would have been too much that night. Even if Calleigh would have thought it wouldn't, if he had thought she could handle it. Horatio would have never taken advantage of her in any case. Horatio had woken in the middle of the night and had noted the woman hadn't even shut her eyes for a minute. Her pure green eyes had only stared in the darkness of the bedroom.

"How concerned do I have to be?" Horatio had asked her.

The two of them had had a conversation that evening and a large piece of the night. Calleigh had finally admitted what had gone bad after the embrace in the locker-room, how she had bottled up everything she had to get through in her career as a CSI. Sometimes people don't realize what's good for them. Calleigh had realized and had been content with a big, sincere embrace. She had turned around in his arms, and had finally drifted off to sleep.

That hadn't altered Horatio's fear of overstepping her boundaries, but the determination in Calleigh's voice had eventually convinced him.

Then, his body had met Calleigh's once again and they had melded together. As Horatio carefully entered her, the woman had moaned. Not because of pain, but only because of satisfaction. The satisfaction of his touches and of having him deep inside her. Horatio had thought he had hurt her, by being too quick and had stopped immediately. He had registered the love and the tenderness in her tone.

"Honey..."

"I never meant to hurt–"

Calleigh had already taken him in another kiss, in response to a sentence that hadn't been finished. He hadn't. She knew he wouldn't ask it again, but it wasn't necessary. She was sure about this and Horatio's reaction told her the same.

It hadn't taken more than a few more instants for Calleigh to have reached the limit. It had been more than a year... and the CSI had already been quite turned on by the touches, by the kisses, before they had even melded together. Calleigh had wanted Horatio to climax too. So, the woman had rolled them both over, and the pace had fairly accelerated with Calleigh in charge. She had received moans from her lieutenant with every thrust. Horatio had started to feel the wave and had rolled them back over. His thrusts had become harder, deeper, until the lieutenant had reached the limit too and they both had their thrills at the same time.

Because, with Horatio so deeply inside her, it had been impossible not to feel another wave rippling through her body, to her core. Resisting that feeling would have been harder than saying 'no' to candy.

Then, she had gotten chloroformed and abducted after one Dan Cooper had put on a website about her: 'SOLVE A CRIME WITH CALLEIGH'. He had been still mad about her being the cause of being fired. Which actually hadn't been true, because he had been the cause of it himself. If he hadn't been so stupid to rubble into Speed's locker, she wouldn't have been forced to threat with a warrant for his arrest. She hadn't pressed charges, but he had still wanted his revenge.

Dan had put her personal information on the Internet and with it, a couple of villains had found her.

While she had been kidnapped, she had left messages for the team, with the hope they would find her. She had believed the other team-members would, dead or alive, but in such situation, you don't quite know what you have to think anymore.

She had left messages enough, but Horatio had been the only one who had seen them through. "If I were you, I'd fold," Horatio had said as he had put a gun at her abductor's head. "Don't you agree, Calleigh?"

In response, she had smacked Seth on the ground and had said, "You messed with the wrong people."

She had already tried to smack her abductor down, but it hadn't worked. Instead, he had smacked her down and had kicked into her belly. She had just found out she was pregnant with Horatio's child and had immediately, but also unintentionally, reached out for her lower abdomen.

She had known he would touch her. She had known he would hurt her. And her child too, if he knew. He had noticed her reaching out for her belly and had consequently come to his own conclusions. He had held her down and had raped her. She had never said a word about what had happened while she had been kidnapped, nothing to anyone.

The reason being, she didn't want to; didn't want to be reminded of being too weak and being roughly raped. Horatio didn't know what had happened to her and she didn't know what he had been through in Brazil, but to summarize it: all she knew was that Lieutenant Caine had shot half a dozen of Mala Noches.

Calleigh had pretended, or tried to pretend, that she was in Horatio's arms, so she wouldn't tense up her muscles and it wouldn't hurt too much. Just for her baby.

She hadn't been too far along yet, but she had still been in those critical first three months and she had already been very upset. The rapist hadn't had anything of the soft, gentle caresses of Horatio.

Calleigh had refused to lose their baby because of such a villain like Seth. She was so mad at herself for reaching out to where the little one settled. When Seth had pushed her onto the ground, she had groaned and her eyes had filled with tears, but she had refused to have them shed.

"I'd rather die than have you touch me," she had said. He had touched her, though. He had raped her. She hadn't been able to fight her attacker and protect her baby. She had tried to, but had failed in the process.

And that had made her lose her dignity as a woman, as a police officer and a CSI. When she saw her friends, and again when the villain had been booked, she had let the tears fall. A typical woman thing. Most women just refuse to break down crying, when they are in a situation. They usually only cry when they are out of that situation.

Horatio had known the guy had hurt her; hadn't only abducted her. Horatio had known. Just in the way she had acted afterwards.

When he had gotten home too, Eric had been still there. Of course Horatio had immediately wanted to go home with her, but he had responsibilities as a lieutenant and had been forced to stay at the lab. So, instead, he had asked Eric to take her home to her apartment.

When Horatio had arrived, Eric hadn't asked any questions and had quietly left, though he hadn't known they actually were together by then. "We are gonna find her," Horatio had said as Eric informed him that Calleigh was abducted. And he had seen Horatio's expression. Afterwards, he had heard from Frank what he had said to Julia's new lover. "If something happens to my CSI, this will be your last week on Earth." It was pretty obviously not meant to be heard by someone else.

Calleigh hadn't been able to embrace her lieutenant since she had been found and right when Eric had closed the door behind him, she had literally fallen into Horatio's arms. There were no tears anymore, but the emotional trauma would last forever, there was no denying that.

Horatio had given her one peck on the forehead, and a tight hug, but nothing else had happened.

"I'm gonna go in the shower, alright?" Calleigh had said.

The question had actually been purely rhetorical.

She had whispered almost inaudibly. Horatio had watched her leaving the room heading for the bathroom. His bright sapphire blue eyes had followed her broken figure and he had understood she wanted to be alone for a moment.

It was too hard for her to share any more intimacy with Horatio, but she actually hadn't wanted to be alone; the lieutenant had interpreted it wrong, which wasn't so remarkable. Because every woman behaves differently after rape.

Some people need the presence of other people badly, some really don't. Calleigh had just wanted to wash herself, because she had felt so dirty...

She had refused further examination. "I'm fine," she had lied, and on the question 'Did they hurt you?', she had only shaken her head, because she didn't have it in her heart to say 'no'.

While she had roamed the soap over her body, she had eventually ended up with both hands on her lightly swollen belly. She had then leaned against the wall of the shower and had thought, 'You really need to survive, little one,' as she ran her hands over her belly.

After half an hour, she had re-entered the room. Horatio had looked up and had smiled a little.

"Showered?"

Horatio's little smile immediately faded as he noticed she couldn't and he had stood up. Calleigh had nodded and had tried to add a smile, but it just messed up. She had sighed and had whispered the lieutenant's name. It had seemed like she had lost her voice, together with her dignity.

"Sweetheart."

She had pushed her face into Horatio's chest once again and had hugged him; she had clung onto him and when they had broken a little apart, she had taken his hand and had led him to the bedroom. Halfway, she had let go of him. When they had reached the bedroom, Calleigh sat down onto the mattress and Horatio had sat down too.

"You alright?" Horatio had asked.

She had nodded very slowly. Horatio had taken her hand and had softly pinched into it, before disappearing into the bathroom. When he had entered the bedroom again, Calleigh had still sat there like he had left her. There had been one thing changed: there were soundless tears on her cheeks.

When Horatio had sat down beside her, she had pushed herself very close to him.

"Honey," he had said, "Come here." When she had finally ensconced close into his brave arms, she had laid her head on his shoulder.

"Would you mind holding me for tonight?" her almost inaudible voice had whispered, thick with her southern accent.

"No," Horatio had replied by hugging her even more tight.

When he had laid his hand onto her belly, she had nearly jumped off his lap. Her eyes had widened and she had snapped for breath. Horatio had pulled his hand away.

"Sorry," they had said together.

Calleigh had inhaled deeply. Then they had laid down and when they had settled under the covers again, Calleigh concealed into his arms, Horatio had said, "I love you."

That, saying how much you love someone, makes all the difference in life.

/\/\/\/

"Yes... Calleigh?"

"My water just broke!"

"Sure?" Horatio asked in ultimate confusion.

CSI Duquesne didn't reply to that one, but Horatio could already imagine what Calleigh would say. It wasn't necessary to repeat in words, what had already been ensured without. He didn't often lose his rational calmness, but if it concerned people he dearly loved, the chance was a lot bigger.

Calleigh sat there on the carpet, in the corridor of the home where the woman had been living for nearly eleven years. Hunched fully over, with her eyes shut and Horatio beside her, still very confused, Calleigh began to hyperventilate.

"Don't, Calleigh... Breathe."

/\/\/\/

While Horatio tried to soothe her, Eric wondered why Calleigh didn't pick up her mobile, as he threw his on the bureau. Calleigh always called back if there were messages and now CSI's Ballistics-woman didn't. Eric had tried to call her five times and when he couldn't get her on the phone, Eric had tried to call Horatio. Calleigh didn't pick up and... neither did he.

/\/\/\/

"Breathe..."

A sea of tears filled her eyes as Calleigh tried to give birth to their baby. Calleigh squeezed both of his hands and pushed. And Horatio figured this was the only right way to stop the pain. Horatio also wondered, if Calleigh had already dilated enough to push like she actually did. He, however, knew better than to argue with her at that point.

"You're doing awesome, Calleigh..."

/\/\/\/

Eric couldn't cope with it anymore. After another unpicked call, he took his keys and decided to have a very quick visit at Calleigh's to be sure everything was fine.

'Maybe Calleigh's in trouble,' Eric thought, as he pulled his Hummer on the crossroads.

/\/\/\/

"You hang in there. You're just doing wonderful."

"HORATIO!" Calleigh yelled as it became unbearable.

His eyes widened and Horatio knew Calleigh couldn't take it any longer; she would lose consciousness, just because of the constant pain and the overwhelming Miami heat. She hadn't felt such pain before. It hurt.

She caught Horatio's eyes and as they momentarily kept eye contact, she forced herself to calm down by breathing deeply.

/\/\/\/

Although his touch allowed her to be sure, Calleigh had sometimes wondered that, if there hadn't been a baby, would Horatio have been there? Would they have been together?

"If there hadn't been a baby..."

"Yes, Calleigh."

Horatio had seen the worry in her eyes days ago, but didn't want to force her to say the words. As they adjusted to the thought of a baby, a little life nestled in Calleigh's womb, they had agreed to tell everyone the news. Calleigh was definitely going to have a belly in a couple of months, instead of her normal thin figure. It would attract the attention and when she would begin to show, they wouldn't be able to deny it.

They had both hesitated, because of Eric. Marisol had been his sister. CSI Delko had loved her and had to say goodbye to her way so soon, and it had only been a year since her death, but Eric had understood.

Calleigh had finally asked him and would never forget his reply. The baby hadn't been the reason.

"If there hadn't been Marisol or Jake..."

Calleigh had looked at him; had seen the truth in his eyes as he replied.

"Yes."

/\/\/\/

"Easy..."

/\/\/\/

Ever since Eric had been shot, Calleigh had been there for him. Berkeley had returned and the CSI had noticed the look in Eric's eyes as they were together. Since Jake had returned, Duquesne and Delko had had many disagreements. Jake had been claiming her for some time and Eric hadn't been so thrilled with that. It had created distance between the cops. Though Eric and Calleigh were still there for each other even with Jake constantly causing issues, something in their faith in each other had ended up in pieces.

Calleigh had really been through a rough patch. Jake had disappeared after the whole Eric business. They had had their arguments and Calleigh had been pushed to her ultimate boundary.

Since the murder of Marisol, the woman had realized Horatio was more than her superior or pal. There was a lot more going on, but... still, she hadn't dared to admit what Detective Berkeley had done to her. So, CSI Duquesne kept carrying it with her...

Until she had yet reached her edge, had crossed the line between surviving and dying, Calleigh had survived for what seemed to her like an eternity. So, with everything and anything in head, the CSI had cut.

Calleigh had considered suicide for some time and now, the woman had seen no other possibility anymore. It had just seemed so easy.

She didn't want to put anyone through finding her and having to see her after what happened with Hagen. She had realized everyone would take the blame upon themselves, but she had seen herself as the burden of the people in her life, which had made her decide it would be easier for everyone if she just died. She had seen herself as a waste of space.

She would finally stop feeling the pain inside anymore. At least she thought so. It was very not-Calleigh to act like that, but she had really done it.

As Calleigh had sat there in the middle of her bathroom, with a razor in her lap, the blood had run down to her palm. It had really hurt, but had kind of helped too, because she hadn't been able to worry. For those minutes the CSI had been able to forget. It had felt a bit like the seconds before you lose your consciousness.

She had thought about how Horatio and everyone was going to find her, about the pain she would cause the others by doing this, and maybe that had been the reason for her still being alive. She had actually realized people cared about her and that had been the reason why she hadn't cut herself the correct way to commit suicide.

As it came back to her, Calleigh had realized that the urge to cut was literally going to kill her. For some time therefore, it had only been an urge, but she had jumped over the abyss; she had actually done it.

The pain inside hadn't been washed away, not like she had expected. It had only helped for a couple of seconds. She was past the point of being in good enough condition to have any more logical thoughts, though.

/\/\/\/

Calleigh weakly breathed, "Please don't move..."

As Horatio touched her lower back, Calleigh bit her bottom lip, until there wasn't any color left. She never blushed, and even now her face wasn't filled with the scarlet color. She looked as pale as snow, fresh fallen snow on the leaves in the woods.

Horatio lifted her face and soothed, "Hey... Look at me now. If another contraction is com–"

"Owww..." Calleigh groaned and her grip on Horatio's hands became stronger yet, though her voice broke as she whimpered.

She looked into the angelic, blue eyes and saw Horatio had never wanted her to remember the birth of their baby like that.

/\/\/\/

Calleigh had actually thought she had been hiding the pain inside, but ten years of sharing your days with each other, creates some kind of particular bond. It would have been weird if Horatio hadn't noticed the change in her behavior.

It had been quite early when Lieutenant Caine had left the lab that day and Horatio had only taken fifteen minutes to get to Calleigh's.

Because their jobs at the lab entirely absorbed them, there wasn't time left to chat anymore, not like there once had been. It had sometimes even seemed as if Calleigh and Horatio worked past instead of with each other.

That hadn't altered the fact Horatio had noticed the difference roughly a year before, and it hadn't altered the fact Horatio had been quite concerned either.

So, when Calleigh had acted so reticent and absent for the fourth day in a row, the lieutenant had decided to check on her after the shift to make sure everything was going fine.

The lieutenant had arrived at her apartment and when she still hadn't answered after a few knocks, Horatio had pounded on her door, which didn't give way at first, not even a little.

It eventually had and Horatio had followed the very unusual sound of Calleigh's sobs, which had lead him to her bathroom.

Horatio had cautiously taken in the image of Calleigh vulnerably crouched on the parquet in the fetal p€osition, crying quietly. As the lieutenant had seen the razor and the loose razor blade in Calleigh's lap, something in Horatio's head had immediately fallen into place.

She hadn't said one word. Maybe Horatio was able to make the woman feel alive, without physical pain. Maybe she would give him a chance.

"Calleigh... Is this the only reason for you to keep holding on?"

CSI Duquesne had only nodded in response. Horatio hadn't replied.

"That's the reason why I'm still able to smile... I didn't wanna cause–"

Horatio had only given her one kiss to silence her.

"I'll always be there, if you need anything or anyone... I don't want to see you in pieces! I never wanted this, Calleigh. This is not going to be easy, I am not lying to you, but you have to quit this..." Horatio had whispered, as he cautiously took her sleeve up and they both at the same time had looked at the wounds.

Horatio had seen the devastated, confused look in her face, but Calleigh had turned away. She had stood up very awkwardly and had tottered to the door of the bathroom. There, the woman had collapsed. She had wanted to run away and to never come back, but...

"Calleigh..." the lieutenant had whispered.

Lieutenant Caine had kneeled beside her and had taken her in a good, sincere hug. Seeing Calleigh like that had broken his confidence in the life they both lived. Calleigh's eyes had been full of tears. Horatio had been crying on the inside.

Both the CSIs had only been held together by pieces of their former selves. The female CSI had cried and had sobbed, had pounded on Horatio's upper body in her struggle to get away. She didn't need him. At least she thought she didn't.

Lieutenant Caine hadn't moved; his hold hadn't weakened. So, Calleigh had finally given in and had let him soothe her; make her feel comfortable, and carefully disinfect the wounds in her wrists.

/\/\/\/

"This is too early to have the baby, Horatio."

/\/\/\/

"I have been doin' this for more than a year, and I have been feelin' this bad since Speed's death. I- I haven't been able to get over it. Every time I thought I had, there was another occurrence that pushed me back further in the abyss I thought I just left behind."

"Did my embrace mean nothing?"

"It meant a lot, but it caused way more feelings than I had actually expected; than I could really bear. Speed..."

"Calleigh, we already noticed. There's no need to... You've been on alcohol since Jake, but kicked off without the assistance of any kind of rehab. There had to be something or someone that replaced the need to get numb."

Horatio's tone had seemed a little bitter as he said 'someone'.

"I'm so very sorry... It began so innocently, without the desire to die. I only wanted to forget. So, it began with only a little cut on the inside of my thigh, because no one would see the scars there. So it hurt every time I moved; every time I needed to shift my balance. It didn't only cause pain as I cut, but still hurt days later..."

"Why didn't you tell us the truth about how badly you were actually doing?"

"Horatio... I simply took a razor and wanted to die. There's nothing for this destructive former CSI left to live for."

"Former?"

"Yes! Won't I be kicked out of the lab now? I swore an oath to commit my life to save the victims of the crimes we investigate and to put the filth that got them in danger in jail, but I can't even solve my misery; can't get rid of my damn thoughts."

She was a little shocked at her uttered words. Maybe it had been boiling up inside for far too long and it just had to be blurted out like that. She normally wasn't this open to anyone, not even Lieutenant Horatio Caine.

"Calleigh, that's not true. And no one's going to ban you from the lab, foolish woman," Horatio had replied as he rubbed her back carefully.

Calleigh had held onto him as if Horatio was the only reason to be alive. And she then had really wanted to be held, to be caressed and to be loved by the man, and Lieutenant Caine wanted it too. His Ballistics-expert had finally opened to him. It had been kind of a relief, because they had taken more distance, especially since Detective Jake Berkeley. Maybe it had been unconsciously, but so it had seemed to Horatio. The invulnerability in both had been shattered. Because of Speed's death and the trouble their career in CSI and family brought.

/\/\/\/

"I can't do this now... Make it stop!"

Calleigh's desperate scream echoed through the corridor and the room and probably through the whole condo as well. Eric didn't hesitate and immediately ran the steps to Calleigh's floor: third one.

/\/\/\/

"You don't have to stay, Horatio."

In a good thirty minutes, Calleigh had calmed down enough to think bright again, pseudo-normally.

"Calleigh, people sometimes need their space, need the opportunity to be alone, but... Sometimes they're too fragile to get over their state of unhappiness on their own. At that time, it's very stupid to leave them. I won't make that mistake. Besides, we both realize what's going to happen if I do."

Calleigh hadn't made any attempts to hide more tears and to wipe them away. She had only nodded. The detective had always been very tough, but on the inside? By the way, Horatio had been more than right.

"Horatio..."

"Sshhhh... You are going to be alright. I am not going anywhere. I'll always be there. Calleigh, never believe that you have to do this alone."

"I really need one of your hugs."

Horatio had taken her into his arms and had smiled. She hadn't been entirely broken yet. There had been a shade of the once too cheerful Calleigh in that tone. On the inside, there still were pieces of Horatio's sunshine left, and Lieutenant Caine definitely wanted them to be on the surface again. The cuddle had been good for both of them. Calleigh had finally discovered someone to be safe with and Horatio... had finally realized that his Calleigh wasn't yet defeated.

/\/\/\/

"Lieutenant Horatio Caine," someone suddenly said out of the shadows.

Caine already knew the source of the voice before turning and seeing the silhouette of the man that seemed to be standing there.

"I thought I heard that sweet voice of yours."

"Jake."

There was no denying that ex detective Berkeley had been inside of Calleigh. He had forced himself into her innumerable times before, but he hadn't been able to finish what he had been up to this time. Because right when he had wanted to get his semen pumped in the younger female detective he was still obsessed with, even after so many rejections from her side, there had been the sound of Horatio's footsteps on the stairs heading for Calleigh's apartment.

"Calleigh, aren't you overreacting a bit now? Weren't you always the one to enjoy it when I did you so rough? Or did you forget already?"

"If that were only possible," Calleigh unexpectedly said between gritted teeth. "At the time I wasn't in advanced state of pregnancy, and I never enjoyed when you raped me... Every time you forced me to be your personal sex toy!"

"Let's assume I didn't hear you saying that... So, dear Calleigh's knocked up by her lieutenant," Jake Berkeley sarcastically voiced.

Ex Homicide-detective Berkeley wanted to rile them both up and it worked quite well in case of Horatio, but Horatio also knew how Jake wanted him to fly into a rage, so he badly tried not to.

"An old guy like you must be struggling to cope with the pace of my sex-goddess. Or you must be downing a ton of Viagra."

"...don't ...possess ..." Calleigh panted, on the verge of unconsciousness, badly upset by Jake's words. Berkeley continued, as if the woman in labor had never interrupted.

"...surrendered. Lieutenant Caine doesn't like being authoritative between the sheets."

"You never got me to my knees, Jake! I forgot how- how to love someone, but I remembered. I wasn't even able to remember how to enjoy bein' with someone, but in less than no time felt what it's like to make love again. You weren't capable of causin' that, because it has never been voluntary, consensual... OOWWWW!"

There, the woman eventually broke, like a puppet without strings. Her slender petite figure mercilessly collapsed and ended into a fainted, little mess at Jake's feet. This wasn't good for Calleigh or the baby she had been carrying for eight months. Horatio had always loathed the man and now, all the fibers in his body wanted to throttle the ex detective, because now he knew why. Calleigh needed his attention now, though.

Horatio instantly reached out for the woman in advanced state of pregnancy. He would get Jake Berkeley later. He wasn't worth it.

The intruder had already thought Horatio would reach out for his Calleigh, though… and had a six millimeter Smith & Wesson pointed at Horatio's head. The lieutenant didn't even doubt that Jake would fire the gun if necessary in his opinion.

"You're not worth that Ballistics-CSI," Jake said and nodded in the direction of where Detective Duquesne lay, only semi-conscious.

'You have to hang in there,' Horatio thought as his beautiful sapphire blue eyes noticed the dangerous condition of the woman he dearly loved.

Calleigh wasn't even aware of the situation they both were in. Then, a gunshot from a six millimeter skimmed trough the air and hit target.

"You're not even worth the bullet."

"Eric," Calleigh and Horatio both uttered at the same time, Calleigh's voice, however, maybe a little weaker.

"Calleigh, I totally realize what you meant when you said you have to mean it when you shoot a bullet in someone's ass now! You alright?"

Calleigh consequently shook her head: she wasn't alright. Jake had made her very upset. Her amniotic fluid already had been broken a while ago and she thought she had whole dilatation. Everything had happened in quite a rush. Logically, because the woman had already dilated two centimeters at only thirty-four weeks.

No one would have been able to force workaholic Calleigh Duquesne to entirely give up her job, though.

Actually quite fortunately, because the lab would be totally different without her. She was rather small, but her presence was so big and overwhelming, that it abundantly compensated that. Her lower lip dangerously quivered and Horatio already got the picture that Calleigh was going to fully lose her consciousness in a few seconds. Still, Horatio tried to keep her with him.

"Stay with us..."

**Author's Note:**

> Please review.


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